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hugzzzdealer

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[12 Feb 2006|10:22pm]
just stop running with the scissors
pointed at your heart
from your hand
everyone deserves a place
the world is full of lonely places
but you my dear take me away
you show me the world
as seen from the stars
take my heart and run away
show me
something
with no regrets
give me
truth
love
and sincerity
i've been longing for this moment
i've been waiting for your hand
reach out for me
and hold me
like you'll never let go
reach out for me
and kiss me
so I know your mine
you know ever if i
held you in my arms forever
forever it self
would never belong enough
so embrace this moment
hold on to my hand
and know
there are six billion people in the world
six billion hearts and souls
and sometimes
all you need
is one.



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[30 Jan 2006|04:53pm]
It takes a while to get to know someone
and it takes something special to catch your attention
it also takes a lot to trust in that something special
to have faith, to believe, and to devote yourself.
It takes a lot to fall in love.


I will love you, just as you are

I believe love is worth fighting for

I find beauty in fallen and broken things
I will do anything for my friends

I believe Music is one of the single most powerful things in the world
I believe in Fate
I will always be here for you
I love unconditionally
I care about you and what you have to say

I believe in having Class
I am not vindictive
I think scars are a form of beauty

I believe in Forgiveness
I will go for the underdog
I like to just listen
I will believe in you when no one else will
I believe actions over words
I think being humble and grateful are the most beautiful ways to be
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[24 Jan 2006|08:47pm]
"Although genetics and a genetic link may be undeniable, everything about us is genetic, and everything about our physical selves is predetermined by a genetic link. If an indivigual is fat but wants to be thin, it is not a genetic disease. If someone is stupid, but wants to be smart it is not a genetic disease. If a drunk is a drunk, but dosn't want to be a drunk anymore, it is not a genetic disease. Addiction is a decision. An indivigual wants something, whatever that something is, and makes a decision to get it. Once they have it, they make a decision to take it. If they take it too often, that process of decision making gets out of control, and if it gets too far out of control, it becomes an addiction. At that point the decision is a difficult one to make, but it is still a decision. Do I or Don't I. Am I going to take or am I not going to take. Am I going to be a pathetic dumbshit Addict and continue to waste my life away or am I going to say no and try to stay sober and be a decent Person. It is a decison. Each and every time. A decision. String enough of those decisions together and you set a course and you set a standard of living. Addict of human. Genetics do not make that call. They are just an excuse. They allow People to say it wasn't my fault I am genetically predisposed. It wasn't my fault I was preprogrammed from day one. Ot wasn't my fault I didn't have any say in the matter. Bullshit. Fuck that bullshit. There is always a decision. Take responsibility for it. Addict or human. It's a fucking decision. Each and every time."

-A Million Little Pieces By James Frey


It's a good book. And yes, I suggest reading it. This was a quote I wanted to save as an away message on AIM but, it was way too long to save. One of many, great, easy to relate to - quotes that appear over and over through out the book.


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[17 Jan 2006|11:34pm]
My brother left tonight. He's going to college in pennsylvania now. I didn't get a chance to say, "see you later" or "goodbye" or anything. At first I didn't think it'd matter much but already I'm starting to see how much not having him around is making me miss him being here, even if it wasn't too often.

You miss the little things.

And I've learned sometimes you don't miss something to it's full extent until you really see that it's gone and going to be gone for a while. Hopefully, this weekend I'll get up with my parents to go see him and all.


Goodnight.

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[06 Jan 2006|07:07am]
I'm utterly disgusted with the path you track
As inebriated as you can get off your latest paycheck
I am at a loss for words here
I hate to break this to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career

Ten bucks says you don't have it in you
To conquer fear and quit believing what they tell you to
You are careening shamelessly into oblivion
Where you will live alone with your chemicals and gin

We were born and raised the same way
So what gives you the right to say
At least I'm not a liar

At least I'm not a liar
At least I'm not a cheat
At least I dont care what these goddamn mindless people think of me


Is it wrong to be disgusted by someones actions; when they are - family? Is it wrong to be embarassed of the path someone has taken or the choices they have made; when, they are family? Is it wrong to be embarassed to admit you know the person; when, they are - family? Is it wrong to not even want to say; that they are family? Sometimes I feel guily, other times I could care less because that's how fed up I am. I know that dosn't justify my actions at all but it explains why I'm - a bitch - sometimes. It's not because I want to be, and it's not because I hate you, it's more because well; at one point you were the person I looked up to.. You were the person I wanted to grow up to be just like, you were the one who I followed every little thing you did - from the little things, to the big ones. You were my companion, you were my best friend. And now, You've become everything I hate, everything I despise. Like I said, I don't hate you - I hate the things you do and I strongly dissagree with them.

Life is not a joke, life is not something you can take for granted. You must take every moment and live it for the best, live it as if it could be your last. You must take every person that has touched your life; and make it apparent. You can not take life for granted, it is far too short for that. And you're theroy that "living life to the fullest" is this drug-filled path you've taken.. Wake up; You're slowly killing yourself off, faster than the rest of us. Drugs, don't help improve the quality of life they take away from it. Unfortantly, it's far too long past the point you will see this, unfortunaltly; all of us are starting to lose hope with you. You're not only hurting yourself; you're hurting us too. You've hurt us too much and you, you're too far gone.

I always wish that you'll wake up,
and one day you'll see what it is you do.
One day, for some reason it will all stop..

<3.
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[20 Dec 2005|04:24pm]
this entry is almost completly written out of anger and out of the fact that honestly, i can't take this anymore. i'm tired of holding it all in and hiding it and acting like i'm numb and could care less. i'm done being numb and shit, i'm past crying over it all too - now it's all just anger. pure anger and nothing less.

the people or person that used to help me cope with your bs is now gone. i lost that. and no, that's not anyones fault but my own but now all i have is myself and just because you are effed up, it dosn't mean i will let you drag me down with you.

to be brutally honest; you're an effing druggie and its sad because i used to think so much of you.. but now i know the truth. you're a effing waste. you lie to peoples faces - your own effing family you not only lie to, and hurt continuously - but you effing steal from us all.

the worst part is you've needed effing help for as long as i could remember, and you still don't effing see it.. you think everythings a stupid joke - well wake the eff up and realize it's not!!! GROW THE EFF UP!! SEE WHAT YOURE DOING!! AND REALIZE YOURE NOT ONLY HURTING YOURSELF YOURE HURTING THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO EVER ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT!!!

oh and, your "friends" arent friends, they're effing druggie coke head users just like you are.. effing learn and realize it! and you're theroy on how "at least you're living your life to the fullest" bs, that's effing sick. wake up and realize you aren't effing living, you're effing killing yourself.




the worst part; i still hope. i still wish and pray that one day, one morning there will be some kind of miracle in which you realize what you're doing. when you wake up and say, i need to stop this. i need to get help, when you are strong enought to grow up and admit you have a problem and you need help. and i've tryed, we have all tried. everyone who cares has put in more and tried more than even could be expected - and even after near death experiences and taking almost everything this family has you still treat us all with the biggest amounts of distrespect and down right shit. i can not believe you anymore. i can not believe that one day, i looked up to you and wanted to be everything you were.. i wanted to be just like you; you were my role model. now i look at you, and i look to see you're everything i've come to hate. you make me sick, and that's all there is to it.


yet still, i pray
still i pray for you.
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[06 Dec 2005|09:18am]
It's been a while. Today should be a snow day but, of course we live in Commack, and it's not. Every other school, for the most part has two-hour delays, we had one. I'm still home though, sick as a dog. I woke up when a few snow plows went by and couldn't get back to sleep since. Pretty soon I'm going to go watch television and probably fall asleep doing so but until then I figured I'd give this thing an update since it has been forever.

In the past I have been shown that everything I loved, everything I cared about, and everything I put feeling or meaning into, got taken away from me somehow.I mostly feel like none of the amazing things I am given have ever found themselves working out. But then again, I am a strong believer in fate, and in the fact that everything that happens; happens for a reason.

Last night I acted in two un-expected ways. One was in an "online act" (if you will) to tell someone regardless of the past, I will always rememeber them for the amazing person that they are and, for all the things they have taught me - not only about life; but about myself. And the other one was taking another shot at trusting someone who has only shown me not to trust them, because well, I care about them. for-giv-ness: n. (1)the act of forgiving; pardon. (2)compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive (3)the act of excusing a mistake or excusing some type of offense. Sometimes I can be the kind of person that is way to quick to try and forgive things or someone for something they have done to hurt me or others. But, I think everyone should be given the chance to change and the chance to prove themselves; no matter what.

God forgives every sin we make - big and small as long as we realize we have sined. And, even when or if we make the same mistake or sin again, if we ask for his forgivness, we are granted it. I try to do the same for people. I beleieve that behind all evil, there lies good. Everyone has the potential to do good things, and be 'good people'. In my opinion, with the right approach, when you give someone another chance, and maybe even third or fourth or fifth chances, they will see that the only reason they are being given these chances is because you care. In some way, you care and you want to see them do the right thing. Sometimes, all someone needs is a little guidance, other times; all they need it to be shown that someone does actually care.


We are hard pressed on every side yet not crushed;
we are perplexed but not in despair;
Persecuted but not forsaken;
struck down but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:8&9

Lately, I have been looking back on this particular verse because I find it very easy to relate to. It gives hope to me at least. And, in a way shows a lot of me in it. Although I have hit some rough spots not only lately but, throughout my life (as I'm sure many other people have too), No matter what, it does not take me down. It does not destroy who I am, it does not make me fall to pieces. For a moment, I may feel as if I am down, or I am not getting up and look at things in such a way that I may feel that this is the worst it will ever be and there is no way things could get better - But, in the end, and with time, I always find myself back up on my feet. Back with that positive outlook knowing that everything, no matter how bad it seems, can always get worse, But, it can also always get better. Life is what you make of it, my choice is to make the best of it - no matter what the situation at hand may be.

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[15 Nov 2005|11:15pm]
if you have something to say, you should always say it. speak your mind, speak what you feel, speak your heart; and never be afraid. every day is so precious and every moment too. every last minute spent on this earth should be cherished. People need to learn to "seize the day, and trust as little as possible in tomorrow." Really, most of us never really realize what we've got, or what we need to start paying attention to until it's too late. A few of us, have something that defines us, and makes us aware that life is too short to do anything but live it not in fear; but to the fullest. Life is beautiful. Regardless of the good and the bad, as a whole; it is beautiful - as is the world we live in.

I'm learning a lot lately. Some of it from myself, and some from other people. Somethings, I'm even learning in the last places I'd expect to learn them in or from. It's amazing, what things and what people can teach you - just as long as you open your eyes. If there is one thing I know I will always have; it's hope. I will never lose hope. Or love.


Goodnight.

<3.
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carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero. [13 Nov 2005|11:23pm]
"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways." Every day that goes by I realize more and more how each day means so much. Everything that is taken for granted is at loss. Everything, is a learning experience. Certain people have taught me so much it's unbelieveable.

This weekend was a good one. Like every weekend it had it's high and low points but over all, i enjoyed it. I'm seeing more and more that I'm finally being able to take everything and turn it into a positive thing. With every bad, there is always good that comes through. I have to say, I'm proud of myself lately. And, I'm not one to say that often. But, I am.

Sometimes I still wonder if you read things like this, or see the little things and think about me. Sometimes, losing touch with someone dosn't mean that they're really fully gone. I wonder if you think of me. I wonder if you know I'll always be here. I wonder if you see I've changed.


I am proud of myself. I have become a better person - a lot better. Yet, there is always room for more improvement as nothing is ever perfect.
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[12 Nov 2005|03:00pm]
the past few days have lead to a lot of thinking.

about life. about love.
friends. who i am.
who i miss. what i miss.
and yeah, moving too.

yet still, all the same - how i don't want to keep living in the past. how i don't want to keep thinking about what i've lost and how much i'd do to get it all back. because i fear, if i continue to do that, i'm going to miss the things that are right in frount of me here and now. life is too precious to let things go by unnoticed. every person i encounter and befriend, means the world to me. life is what it is and slowly but surely, i am learning to be greatfull for what i have.

i want to get my tattoo soon. it would mean the most now, more than ever. i'm glad i can at least find something that may mean a bit to others but will defintly mean a whole lot more to me. people need to learn to value things a lot more than what they do. i am guilty of not doing so, but like i said, with each day i am learning.
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rewind [12 Nov 2005|02:36pm]
Tuesday, October 25, 2005

"In today's society we are all searching for beauty - trying to be it, achieve it, are enamoured with it - yet those who are given the gift of it have more penalties because of it than those whome only strive for it will never know or understand"

It is true, we are all searching for beauty in one way or another. For our own benifits, to stand out in this superficial over-rated society that we live in, or just to feel like you belong, or like you fit in. Many people view beauty as an essential for success or for happiness because our society tends to portray that the beautiful people are the ones that have it best.
"..yet those who are given the gift or it, have more penalties because of it than those whom only strive for it will never know or understand."
personally i think that no one can or will ever fully understand what someone else is feeling. ugly or beautiful; everyone thinks and feels differently. everyone goes through their own "shit". however, the penalties beauty can bring can match the penalties the lack of it also brings. i've been on both sides of the spectrum. sometimes, when being told you are gorgous or beautiful, you wish others would see you for more than just that physical beauty. but, when lacking it, you wish others saw it so they'd see more than just "the best friend" or whatever has it. it's sick to think that people judge and form impressions based on first appearance and, we are all guilty of this. it is first impressions that people remember the most and what is the first thing somone sees? not how great a person you are but, the way you look on the outside. i would say most people who are seen as beautiful have advantages but as with everything, it has it's good and it's bad. the truth of the matter is that people are in fact attracted to more beautiful things, more beautiful people.
beauty is skin deep. i just think that we're all beautiful in our own right. you are who you are, and that's all there is too it. everyone will find fault or penalties of some sort with who they are, or how they look, or anything at one point in time. sometimes, the most beautiful people feel like the ugliest there is. beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it takes more than the clothes you wear, the makeup you put on, the smiles you make, the remarks passed, and the way you style your hair. beauty is more than that. beauty is being pure.

beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. i think, that we are all beautiful in our own right. so, find out who you are and don't be afraid of it. stand strong, keep your head up, and love what you've got.

<3.
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rewind [12 Nov 2005|02:34pm]
Monday, October 24, 2005

"There are at this moment 6, 470, 818, 671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are Evil men at war with Good. And some are Good struggling with Evil. 6 Billion people in The World. 6 Billion souls. And Sometimes all You Need is One."

This weekend, I had a lot of fun. Friday after school I came home and hung out with Gen and Eddy, got food, hung around, and then said goodbye to them both. We left for Jersey around six I think. If I recall correctly we got there around eightish. Finally, we were there. I was happy to see Nicole ("muffin") again, I missed her a whole lot. And of course, Pat was there too. I missed him too of course. Nicole, Pat, and I all hung out that night. We pretty much just hung around and what not. We went to Taco Bell, for Pat's second time - and mine as well, except, my first time was in New York. Anyways, we went to Taco Bell. That was a good time, and than, we were off to Wendy's to get our free Frosty's. I have to say, I do love those kids. It's always a good time. After that we went to Walmart. Haha, oh god. Nicole and I got a black and white camera for homecomming and then we just wasted time and did well, whatever made it interesting. So, taco bell, wendy's, and walmart. Enough said - it was a funny night. Pat left around eleven thirty, and, after showering Nicole and I went to sleep.. I guess around one thirty.

Saturday morning came quick enough. We woke up around nine thirty, tenish.. I got dressed and ready, kind of. Sweatshirt &jeans. Total scrub out, why look nice when you're going to have your hair done for you? ..Right? Haha. So by eleven thirty, we went to the hair place, and I pretty much told the women, I don't want it tight on my head - and uh, have fun. That was it. My hair actually came out well. I liked it a lot. And Nicole's did too. Her hair was actually really cool. So, the hair was done. One step down - a billion more to go. The dresses were hung and the shoes were out. The makeup was all ready too. We ate some pizza and just hung out, took some crazy pictures, and then before we knew it, Nicole's aunt was over, and it was time to get ready. First came the make-up. Oh wow. Hahaha, and then came the girly tips that Nicole and I knew nothing about and were introduced to, all too soon. Raincoats, Band-aids, and more. Too much to even get into to. But, Nicole knows what I mean and, I will leave it at that. Haha. Five thirty came soon enough, and everyone began to come. Pictures took what seemed like forever although, pictures mean memories - and you can never have enough of them. Everyone looked great. Everyone. That's the one thing I like, seeing everyone all dressed up. Although, when you become close with someone, you like them either way. And you see them at their best and worst, it's nice to every - once in a blue moon - every so often at a nice formal event, see them dressed up. Soon enough, we were off to the school. I knew about five or six kids, and that was it - yet still, I had an amazing time. Brian, thank you for asking me to go with you. Nicole, thanks for making me follow through with it, and for being a best friend - oh and, for band-aids and raincoats. Hahaha. No seriously, I had a good time. I miss it all too soon, and too much. After the dance was dunkin` donuts, and whatever else.. and Pat's. Movies. Talking. Sleep. It was a fun night, that's for sure.

Sunday morning I was awaken far too early. First, by a dog jumping into bed with me. And secondly, by my mom's phone call. Eight AM and it was time to go home. Or "home". I slept the whole hour and a half back. Then got home and relaxed, or tried too. Then it was off to Eddy's for the day. His little cousin is adorable, that's all I have to say. Hahaa. Princess, hope you enjoyed your birthday - and sorry for making you wear your little princess crown in frount of your family. Haha, you liked every second of it though. Anyway, sunday was a long ass day. I passed out around nine thirty, and that was that.

Mondays always suck. Always. The day wasn't that bad. School wasn't all that bad. Or so I thought. By the end of the night, I want to die. That's it. It's been a day from hell. I'm going in the shower, and going to bed. Hopefully, I'll wake up and be anywhere but here.

The furthest places from home, feel like home. I had so much fun in Jersey, and I miss it. I've lost a lot this past year - and right now, I'm trying to just, learn to look at what I've got and not weigh it against what I've lost. Back to the quote at the begining of this entry.. It's true. It's very, very true. There are so many people in the world, some with similar cases, similar situations, and others with different ones. When it all comes down to it, all of us have something in common, and probably a lot more than we think or will ever know. Even so, so many people and when it all comes down to it, sometimes, you only need one. One. One person, one soul, one heart - just one person. Figure out who that person is, and hold on to it. We all should. Sometimes, all you need is that one - other times, it's all you have.

One.

It's only me.


I need to start opening up more. I need to trust more, I need to stop fearing what I feel. I need to speak my mind. I'm going to say it all one day. Tell it all. Explain myself, and what I'm feeling with no holding back. When I finally get the courage, when I finally find the right way to say it and, to show it. One day, I'll do it. And I'll learn to do it with everyone. Except those of course, who I couldn't possibly ever do it. This worlds a confusing place. Somewhere you could easily feel lost in. Something you can easily learn to be scared of. I need to learn to live not in fear.

The end.

<3.
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